Demure Season

Demure 6295 by Sherwin Williams is a dimmed dusty pale shade of pink. Demure. I am in my demure season; all the shine, vibrant hues, radiance, and luster have faded into a dull pale pink.  

Have you seen the viral social media posting of flamingos losing their pink? In short, the video explains flamingos lose their luminous pink in the initial stages of caring for their little ones.

It is a season all mamas know too well. One day we are young, slightly careless, spontaneous, and invincible.  Glowing with youth. Then one day we are moms and suddenly the reflection in the mirror is not the woman you remember. The woman staring back at you has remnants of her, but she is not quite who you remember... something is missing.

Losing one’s pink is different for each mama. For some it may be specific to physical fitness, for others it is their independence, beauty regiment, social life, style, etc. What tends to be at the root of losing one’s pink is typically around identity and confidence.

Although there are 9 months of preparation to be a mother, there truly is no preparation like your own experience. There is no indication how your brain chemistry, physicality and mentality will process and adapt to motherhood. To my surprise, each pregnancy and each postpartum experience is uniquely different.

I am three months postpartum; I am in the thick of palish dimmed pink. My mornings revolve around two diaper changes (my toddler and infant), two bottle feeds, cooking breakfast for my toddler, gulping some coffee down, pumping, changing diapers again, diffusing a toddler tantrum, stopping my toddler from smacking the infant and trying to get out the door for some Vitamin D at the park.

In that craziness I barely have a chance to spray on some sunblock, tie my hair in a bun, throw on a cap and run out the door before my toddler has another tantrum. Sometimes I glance up at the visor mirror in my car and cringe, the dark circles, the dry skin, the crazy hair. It is not how I envisioned motherhood. It is not how I see other moms.

I see other moms and I am in admiration of their grace, beauty, smiles and patience. I see Jessicah, Founder of Moms on the Job. She was meant to be a mom. She glows in motherhood. And then there is me. Dark circles, dry skin, crazy hair...

At my local park, other moms have seen me struggling with my infant in a carrier while bending down to help my toddler up the playground. I am often approached with questions about my kids age difference, followed by sharing their children’s age difference, “It gets easier. It really does. You are in the trenches of survival, but it gets better” they promise while pointing at their kids close in age playing together. They quickly add, “You are out of your house, alone, that’s incredible and a feat on its own.”

As a mom sometimes we think we are unseen; no one understands the struggle, no one knows how hard it is. I am finding the opposite is true. There is always a mom nearby checking in, sharing an experience and reminding you, “it goes by really fast...enjoy it.” Sometimes its a random unfiltered elderly lady at the grocery store, “He must not be able to keep his hands off of you! Just know it goes by fast, before you know it those kids will be asking you for your credit card!”

I am a compulsive eavesdropper (Perhaps because these days I lack adult interaction). I watched and listened to a group of boy moms under three gathered for a playdate at the park. The moms chatted about their Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) routines, shared potty-training advice, toddler approved recipes, and teaching toddler manners amongst each other. I was fascinated by the beauty in their motherhood comradery.

We’re all learning as we go, sharing advice and resources within our own communities, circles, friendships. Motherhood is a journey requiring adaptability and constant growth. With my first child, I had two other girlfriends pregnant with me at the same time. It was wonderful to share pregnancy experiences, postpartum experiences, sleep training tips, teething stories and our babies' firsts. As I'm navigating my second postpartum, I find myself revisiting text threads and seeking new advice from other moms of 2 under 2. Often times even the strangers at the park.

I am blessed with two beautiful babies. Yes. I am beyond thankful. Yes, I understand this is just a season. But I am in the middle of the season, and just like any other season, I am feeling the treacherous weather.

My jeans do not fit the way I like them anymore. My leggings do not flatter my body like they once did. My old clothes all fit as if a younger sibling lent them to me. I have been in maternity clothes for what feels like two years (2 under 2). My skin and face feel as though they aged overnight. To make matters worse, a week postpartum my Oura Ring notified me that my cardiovascular health had aged 5 years. Oh, and last week I tweaked my back carrying my infant in a carrier and chasing my toddler at the park. It is not all physical and aesthetic, either.

Some days are so mentally grueling. I was not prepared for toddler tantrums. The articles, books, podcasts, and social media did not prepare me for this. Every day is a challenge. My significant other reminds me that she just does not know how to communicate her feelings, her wants, and dislikes, so everything is conveyed with great emotion. Our pediatrician has told us that her baby brother’s existence is making everything more heightened.

I am blessed to be home with both my babies. I am beyond grateful to be able to take six months off (again) with my babies. I am thankful for bonding time with both my children. But that does not mean there are not days that I say to myself, “God, work is so much easier!” Most days end with tension in my neck and a notification from my Oura ring, “today you were stressed for 4 hours and 30 minutes, try and do something relaxing.” It makes me wonder. My Oura ring never told me that when I was managing critical incidents, Command Posts, command staff, etc...”

 Motherhood is difficult.

4 weeks postpartum my significant other urged us to get out of the house for lunch. Internally I cringed. There is only so much crayons, sugar packets and creamers will entertain a toddler before they are screaming in boredom. With a newborn, “Da-Da” wouldn’t be able to help, we each have our hands full. We have to divide and conquer. During the meal we were approached by multiple couples in different stages of life to congratulate us on our newborn and praise us for smiling, “wow you are out and smiling” they emphasized. The parents all understood how hard an outing can be with two little ones. 

We took a quick family trip out of the country recently for a wedding. When we returned, my significant other said to me, “that wasn’t very fun.” Traveling with two under two was an experience! On top of everything, both my kiddos came home with a little stomach bug. For the next week, we changed more diapers than I could count. In the middle of one night, my significant other rolled over and said to me “Adelyn pooped her pants.” I woke up confused, “What? How do you know?” I looked at the monitor, confused. “Are you going to change her, or want me to?” he asked. I zoomed in on the monitor, and she was sleeping soundly. I asked, “How do you know she pooped her pants?” he mumbled and rolled over. He was sleeping. We had changed so many diapers he was dreaming about it.  

Parenthood is difficult.

Throughout the day I find my infant, “Leo” gazing at his sister in complete adoration of her. Much the way I gaze at both of them. She crowds around his swing or toys and plays music for him. Many of his toys are all her old toys, but it’s as though they are new to her. She hasn’t seen them since she was 5 months... (one year ago). She finds new joy and new purpose in the toys that were once hers.

 I was home this time last year with my daughter. I have been here before, but it is different bonding as a second time mama.  I am finding new joy and new purpose in being a mama of 2.

When Adelyn was born, I was unbending on “no screen time.” Eventually it became, “just Ms. Rachel” and now in my struggles of putting an infant to sleep with a toddler following me and dropping her toys into his bassinet, I have relented. My daughter is obsessed with the movies Sing & Sing 2. The other day she was watching the scene in Sing 2 where they sing, “Girl on Fire” (by Alicia Keys). I vividly remember running the 77th Street Parking lot with that song in my earbuds fueling my run before my SOW. I looked over at my toddler and she was dancing excitedly shouting in her toddler babbles the song. I smiled. I see it clearly now, my missing fragments sprinkled in her smile, giggles, and enthusiasm for life.

My pink may be faded a demure shade but the loss of my pink created life, and it is their season to shine the brightest.

Perhaps its my season to reinvent myself, to grow, embrace the mess and be gracious for getting everything I prayed for.

I remind myself the inevitable is near; when I return to work and my heart is broken into a million pieces. I will look back and miss everything that currently exhausts me.

One day my daughter will go through her hormonal teenage stage of not wanting anything to do with me; I have to embrace her current obsession of mama.  Even if its her accompanying me to the bathroom. I will let her rummage through my makeup and hope that one day she’ll rummage through her makeup to brighten up my face. I will keep going to the park with her and encouraging her to “Run! Run! Run” because chasing after her will keep me young. (I have every intention of bringing my cardiovascular age back down Oura!)

My children are also teaching me the importance of self-development. I am reserved, I am an introvert, I don’t really care for small-talk and tend to be a recluse. After the wedding trip I saw my daughter not wanting to socialize, crying anytime someone wanted to hold her and I instantly felt guilt. I quickly realized, much like my FTO days, I have to model the desired behavior. I have to intentionally interact with others, so my kids learn to socialize with others and to show my children that in family, circles, communities we are stronger and happier.

My toddler just learned to hug a few days ago, and she gives me the sweetest hugs through the day while saying “hug” and “mwah!” (kiss) as she wraps her arms around me. Sometimes she taps her little hands on my back and other times she just cuddles in my arms and we both take in the moment feeling our heart beats synchronize.

Just like that, I am reminded. This is just a season. Like any other season, there is beauty and wonder but there is rigor weather as well. Enjoy the beauty. Dress appropriately for the weather. Before we know it, the season changes...

During this season Jessicah reminds me of the importance of community. With the MOTJ community, we have the resources to equip other moms through engagement and encouragement. Hope to engage with you mamas at the next MOTJ event.

See you soon,

Jas